Rebuilding "Me"

Lately, I am having trouble finding a balance! Now that the kids are actually old enough to entertain each other (safely) and now that I am working and also able to get back to helping Aaron with the youth ministry some I am really struggling! How do those women work full time jobs, look like barbie dolls, have gorgeous sparkling clean children, a tidy house that smells like fresh baked bread do it??? And on top of all that they seem to have satisfied husbands and sound spiritual lives?? I'm telling you I feel like I am running after a mirage! Is is fake? I am really going through some things right now and don't feel as though I can see the end clearly. I feel like I am trying to build "me" working freverently piling brick upon brick and when I am actually making progress a strong wind blows and knocks them all down. Will my structure ever be built? Yes! I know it will! I also know that there is rest for the weary and that God can get me to the place where I feel at peace and comfort. I just need to discipline myself. I don't know how to properly stack the bricks..Some days I put too many on one side causing my structure to falter. I was doing really good for a while and making some major progress and them BAM!! Back to square one! You see for as long as I can remember I have struggled with day to day activities. I fight getting out of bed in the morning. I fight getting showered (even though I loathe feeling unclean). Everyday basics seem like huge tasks to me...Yet the "big jobs" I could sit and work at all day and find enjoyment in. I don't know why I am like this. I HATE it! Now, before you go thinking I just sit around all day in my pj's smelly and neglecting my responsibilities think again! I get things done...I just dread doing them! Could this be a generational curse? I'm not sure? I don't know what it is. I am not depressed. Could it be how I raised? I don't ever remember being on any kind of regimen or schedule. Could be. I haven't any idea all I know is there are times when I can push myself out of this hole and set a schedule for myself and follow it but one minor change in the routine sets me back to the "old me". For instance, a little while back I set a routine wrote it down and all. I was to get up early work out then have my quiet time, shower and dress and wake up the kids fix breakfast etc. I was up early and excited! i feel so charged when I exercise! I also love when I have my quiet time early in the morning when the kids are still sleeping as oppose to trying to get a few interrupted minutes here and there throughout the day. Well, if you read a few posts down then you know my sleeping habits...Or should I say my waking habits? Anyway, one night of being up more than I was down and the "schedule" flew out the door! Throw a few sick kids in the mix and a whole month has passed with no structured regimen. So It takes like 21 days to form a habit huh? I guess I just reinforced my old ways in that month. Now I am back to taking baby steps so I can rebuild me!! Anyway, I didn't mean to ramble on about me...I actually had a really sweet story about the kiddos but now it's late and I am tired. Maybe tomorrow.
If you would just pray for me! I could really use it this week.

I am adding a picture Jadyn took of me about two weeks ago. That day I sat down and added some words to the brick. These are the bricks I'd like to build upon.